Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Worst Date Ever


Hi friends. Full disclaimer: I am very drunk as I write this.

So, the other night, my friends and I went to a bar in East LA. I had decided that I would transcend my passive-aggressive self and actually approach women in the bar. Of course, this required an unreasonable amount of alcohol, but I got a number and felt pretty good about myself. And then, as I was about to leave, a girl walked in. She was splendid. The type of girl that suspends time and creates unexplainable winds to blow through her hair. The kind of girl that has inspired songs and poems. The girl that you want to wake up next to. She reminded me of Maggie Gyllenhaal, but way hotter. She came in with a short, hot blonde friend and I immediately struck conversation with them. Things were going well, I got her number, and I invited her to a concert the next day at Spaceland, she said yes. Awesome. I went home and even texted "how about dinner beforehand?" to which she responded "yes". Oh, sweet dreams are made of these.

I woke up the next day with a spring in my step, we texted back and forth with a little banter and flirtation, I was excited. I spritzed myself with cologne, and to be frank, I even shaved my balls. I feel like I can be honest with you all.

But half an hour before I was to pick her up, this girl... we'll call her Schmecca... because it reminds with Becca. She calls and asks "Is it okay if my SISTER comes along?"

Now, I understand you bringing along a friend. I'm a stranger, you've watched Hostel, you don't want to get raped, I get it. But your SISTER? I mean, can your parents come along too? Do you want to bring your chastity belt as well?

But I say yes... because I'm a pussy.

I go to pick her and her sister up, and turns out, her sister IS the short blonde friend I had met the night prior, and she was just in town for the weekend. Understandable. Excusable. I breathe a sigh of relief and drive them to the restaurant in which I had planned to charm Schmecca's pants off.

On the way there, Schmecca proceeds to call some people and asks me... "Hey, is it okay that I invited my friend Schmachel, AND that guy we met at the bar last night?" Um.... SERIOUSLY? You mean that guy that was flirting with you all night who looks like Jack White if he spent every afternoon at Krispy Kreme?

But again, I'm a vagina. And I said, "Sure! The more the merrier!"

So, we arrive at this Thai restaurant, which I had called earlier and specifically asked "Hi, can I make a reservation for two?" To which they responded, "For two? You won't need one, we won't be busy 'til 9 pm, and tables for TWO should be fine. Did we mention the number two?" At 7:30 pm, we arrive and I say to the hostess, "Table FOR FIVE please (because my date decided to invite 3 more people along!)" And the hostess replies, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible tonight. A table for five is just too much."

I... am not surprised. Life is good.

Still trying to salvage the night, I try to be jovial and suggest that we go find a restaurant by the concert venue, but clearly, I could not hide my all-around disappointment, as the girl of my affection and her sister seemed concerned. I really was a bit frazzled by all of this, and I had a hard time being entertaining at this point. Thus, from their perspective, I probably didn't seem like the best date ever either. But still, I decided to press onward. I had lived through 8th grade winter formal when Beth Meyers ended up dancing with someone else during "End of the Road"... I felt like I could see this through too.

Eventually, we find a place a block from the concert that is BYOB. I purchase a six-pack from the corner store, so that we can all partake in some alcoholic intake to diffuse a somewhat awkward evening. Things seem to be normalizing, I am starting to engage in some good conversation with Schmecca....

But then, DOUCHEBAG MCGEE arrives. Yes, that is his actual name. Jack White with slight love handles shows up, and he proceeds to polish off two of my beers! But I must admit, he is one charming motherfucker! Like I would actually want to hang out with him under different circumstances. Hell, even under these circumstances, I kind of hope our paths cross again. I mean the dude invented "National High-Five Day". How do I compete with that? He invented high-fives on a national level!! I'm incredibly fucked. High-fives are happening around me at an arousing rate.

So, I literally watch the girl that I had asked out on a date fall in love with this guy. I'm not just talking normal love, but like Notebook love, the kind that you remember even at an old age with Alzheimer's. As in, if they don't have children, I will be deeply offended kind of love. I swallow my pride and try to make the best of the night. Her sister is fun, her friend Schmachel is a little nuts, but in an entertaining way. This could still be good, right?

No. Absolutely not.

The check arrives. And in BIG BOLD RED letters there is a sign that reads "NO CREDIT CARDS ALLOWED. CASH ONLY." There is a bit of confusion as people put down cards for the bill. At this point, I say "fuck it," I'll pay for the dinner since I took out a large amount of cash earlier when I thought I'd be treating ONE lady to a wonderful date out on the town! Thus, I purchase dinner for all the ladies at the table. Surely, they will return the favor with some drinks at the concert... or at the very least, some extended conversation from Schmecca?

Again, no. Absolutely not.

We arrive at the venue, in which the object of my affection enters for free with my +1, and NO ONE even remotely thinks to offer me a drink. Instead, I watch Schmecca fall even more in love with "John Mayer meets Horatio Sanz." At one point, I pretend there is a glimmer of hope, and I end up sitting next to her, conversing and bantering for a little while. God, I'm smitten. She really is a sweet girl, oblivious of the fact that I think she is the best thing since the internet. But I have to go to the bathroom, having drank a lot in the evening thus far to diffuse the nerves. Upon returning from said bladder-relief, I find that Douchebag McGee has taken the seat next to Schmecca! At least your parents had some foresight in naming you, Mr. Douchebag McGee. Even Schmecca's sister seems to feel bad for me now, as she looks at me with eyes of pity and sadness that should only be reserved for people with terminal illnesses. That have no parents. Because they died of terminal illnesses.

So, in summary, I'm sitting here, watching the girl I had asked out gaze longingly into the eyes of a much more charming man, while I sip a Pabst Blue Ribbon a few feet from the group, having basically funded AND chauffered the date between the two.

Finally, after two songs into the main band, and after the urging of many friends via text messages, I decided to use the "emergency excuse" and say that a "friend" needed help and I had to bail. I believe I heard, "Oh, but we're having so much fun." and a "We should do this again." Yes! Clearly, I will be marking this in my calendar for the following Monday, so we can do this exact same scenario again, but maybe with more relatives. Please, I really, really want to re-live this.

I left and met up with friends, got drunk out of my mind and proceeded to tell this story to every table in the bar. At some point in the evening, Schmecca texted with "Hope ur friend's ok. I'm sorry I invited such a random mix of people," which in all honesty, was very sweet of her. I think this fiasco happened not so much because of her, she seems genuinely good, but because of an apparently potent asexual vibe I give off to women, even when I rock out with my cock out.

Normally, being a punani, I'd reply, "Hey! No problem! Friend is totally ok now. Thanks for texting!" But I was very drunk. And very bitter. My pride, which had gone missing for the past 25 years, appeared out of nowhere just to shake its head at me. So, I decided to put my foot down, and I replied, "The friend thing was a lie. It was great going on a date with you, your friend, your sister... and your real date. We should do that again sometime."

OK, that was a little Douchebag McGee of me. But here is the kicker. She replies with one word.


What?!?! That's so deep, I can't even process it at the moment! What about my reaction to any point of this evening is trite??? I didn't expect to sleep with this delightful woman, I didn't even expect a kiss at the end of the night, is it that "trite" of me to be upset after watching this girl flirt with another guy on a date that I had asked her out on... while her sister and her friend also stood by?? After I had paid for dinner... for EVERYONE???

I'm pretty sure I burned a bridge, and I'm sure I could've done a lot of things differently, but what would you have done? I've asked men and women, both friends and strangers, and they all concur that I never should've gone in the first place when she introduced the 'other guy' factor.

So, as I sit here on a Saturday night at 3 am watching A Walk To Remember and clutching a gallon of PCP with one hand and a full body pillow with the other, I wonder... is it me?

Leave a comment with your worst date story!
ADDENDUM: This morning, I woke up very hung-over, grabbed the only clean t-shirt I could find, and met my writing partner for brunch. We discuss the events above, we eat, we laugh, I'm feeling better. As we're walking to our cars, a girl points at me and says, "National High-Five Day!!" Uh... what?!? I know there were a lot of people on this date last night, but I'm fairly certain she wasn't one of them. I look at her confused and then realize... I'm wearing my "Keep The High-Five Alive" t-shirt. Then, the following exchange takes place.

ME: "You know, it's funny... I actually met the guy who invented that holiday last-"
GIRL: "You mean, Schmichard?? From San Diego?"
ME: (in disbelief) "Um... yeah. I think."
GIRL: "He's so awesome, huh?"

I look at my writing partner, who is also surprised by what is unfolding here. I wanted to look up to the skies, fists clenched and yell "MCGEEEEEEEEE!" Instead...

ME: "Yeah, he's great. You know, I was actually on this date last night..."
I start raising my voice to retell the story. The girl begins to look extremely uncomfortable.
GIRL: "Well, it was nice to meet you. I just wanted to comment on your shirt. That's... all. Bye."

Yep, ol' Sonny Lee's still got a way with the ladies.

P.S. For another incredibly hilarious bad-date story, check out my writing partner's past post.

P.P.S. And to thank you all for bearing through my drunken rants above, I want to add a song below. Any other songs you guys associate with bad dates? Let me know in the comments!

"She's A Rejector" - Of Montreal [buy album]

LAST UPDATE: I mentioned above that Douchebag McGee seemed like one charming mofo, who I'd actually want to hang out with. Well, now I know he is one charming mofo, who I'd actually want to hang out with. He recently sent me a very kind email, along with an iTunes gift certificate, thanking me for the beer and the story. He even made me L-O-L by ending the email with "I'm off to go get donuts." So to end this saga, I just want to say, you're a good man, Charlie Brown. Douchebag McGee you will no longer be. Take good care of Mr. Brown, Schmecca. Take good care.

And we all lived happily ever after... the end.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, sounds like typical LA bullshit.

3:35 AM  
Anonymous Roger said...

hey mate, brilliant story and all the more impressive that you wrote it drunk!

4:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't have a worst date story to share with you right now. I just wanted to say that it sounds like that girl was a bitch. Which I think you gathered as well. Even if you could have done things differently, so could she. Just move on and chalk it up to a lesson learned.

Oh, and I guess I went on a date where the guy talked on his cell phone the entire time. Ehhh.

5:55 AM  
Blogger writermonkey said...

you're that funny when you're drunk? damn, you're good, cap'n.

worst date in vaguely recent memory involves a man who spent the first 2/3ds of the evening bragging about his eddie bauer suv interior [seriously; can't make that one up], the last 1/3 trying to cop a feel, and was so much taller than me that he literally had to lift me up to try a goodnite kiss. after which i ran screaming into the nite. good times.

6:09 AM  
Anonymous Dom said...

Just one question Sonny: Is it a gallon of PCP? I didn't even know it came in liquid form!

6:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, oh I can so relate. I feel so bad. I to ogive off A sexual vibes to other women. God knows HOW I do it. But hey, you had every right to be pissed off. Even if you didn't intend it to be a date, but an outing with two friends, you had every reason to be pissed. She goes a long and invites all of these randoms. Urgh, not cool. She probably wasn't even worth it.

7:46 AM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I absolutely love you and Becca is an idiot. You are way too awesome for any girl anywhere, hence your problem finding a suitable date. I totally agree with your reaction, tho you were WAY too nice, but that doesn't surprise me, given that it's you. I want to fly out there just to smack these girls, but, alas, I still don't think that would help the situation. You'd just end up with a bunch of stupid females with bruises. :) I don't know what to tell you other than Love is a Battlefield. It sucks. It makes you want to kill yourself. Everyone can relate, but no one has a solution. You just put down the PCP, turn off the Mandy Moore movie (hey I'm proud to see it wasn't The Notebook!), and keep going. That's all you can do.

On the flip side, bad date stories...well, there was the one when I was waiting for my boyfriend at a party and sat down and started talking to...his other girlfriend. She was wearing spandex tapered jeans, had dandruff and acne, and looked about 12. And HE PICKED HER. Luckily I seem to have love-induced amnesia and can't remember any others, but I'm sure they're there.

Oh, and PS - it's not asexual, it's called NICE. And that's not a bad thing. You are one of the LEAST asexual people I know, you just need a girl who doesn't misinterpret the niceness.

Just remember, you're amazing, and there is some equally amazing girl out there who will be thrilled that you didn't end up courting the future Mrs. Douchebag McGee. :)


8:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious. At least you tried. Silly woman was obviously oblivious.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Lordy. She sounds like a moose.

You make too many excuses for people! You really need to be pushed before you think ill of anyone. You should have told her to sod off when she invited her sister. How rude! Don't take any crap from these women, they will really take the mick if you let them.

Have faith, there are some decent women out there. Try to reduce the holes on you "moose" filter so that only the decent ones who DESERVE your time, fall through.

As for horror stories, I was dating a bloke once (thought he was the best thing since sliced bread!) and he fobbed me off the day before valentines day because he was "working". Turned out that he had actually travelled to another city with another woman to watch a lingerie fashion show.

I have a more successful wanker filter now.

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


All I can offer is "These things happen". Turn it into something positive, put the experience into your work. Live and learn.
Kinda simplistic I know, but I think it makes sense.


12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

schmecca in actual form here...Thanks for the entertaining blog at my expense. I must admit this blog is very entertaining and I'm happy that our horrible pseudo date produced such great material. For the record I'm actually a descent human being with a misinterpretation of the evening's agenda. FOR 1: YES, the blond girl is my sister and you invited her to come along when we initially met leading me to believe that it was more of a friendly vibe. High Five!!

1:52 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

^ And okay... How do you follow that one up?

I feel your pain Sonny. :(

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Shumona said...

... Well, this is awkward.

Just wanted to pipe in with a "it's not your fault, Cap'n!" Although now, I should probably add in a quiet "not your fault either, Schmecca..."

Your drunk-blogging skills are ridiculously enjoyable. Still, here's hoping for only good dates with amazing girls who make your tummy feel good (and whose tummies you also make feel good). Chin up!

4:29 PM  
Blogger Gary said... this for real?

5:31 PM  
Anonymous Boom said...

Shucks. My sympathies to you. Thanks for putting so funnily into words what we horrible loser-bloggers can't. But the fact that you're drunk when you wrote this must mean you're not one of us.:)

5:54 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

You're an amazing drunk-blogger. Wow. I'm totally impressed.

And hey, it's totally not you. Though I've never actually met you, I can tell just from the blog that you're a pretty amazing guy worthy of much more than that shit. And hey (again), the good news is that it can't get much worse than that.

7:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm... if schmecca really thought it was more of a "friendly" thing, she'd have bought a round of drinks. Cause that's what nice people do when out in a friendly environment.

And I'd love to let you off the hook capn, cause I love ya, but you so were hoping to have sex, or you wouldn't have shaved your balls.

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I noticed Shmecca didn't say sorry in any way. Even if you had invited her sister as well, there was no need for her to call 2 other rando's. Also noticed there was no 'thank you' for picking up the tab for dinner for the entire table.

My worst date I can think of at the moment, would be with a guy I found out had was on his 3rd senior year in college, and got really mad when I didn't hang out with him the next night after I told him that I 'might be around'.. "WHAT?! I SHOWERED AND BOUGHT BEER AND EVERYTHING!"

some people are real winners. you deserve better.

9:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, its simple that everyone can say that things will get better, and eventually, they probably will but until then..

A piece of advice that seems to sum up all of the aftermath created from all these date stories is..

There's not much that a bottle of Jack and a straight razor can't fix...

As for my horrible date story, I took out a girl once and she had probably the worst attitude. Now you're probably thinking "Oh well been there, done that" but did I mention that she got a call during dinner and neglected to stop talking as the food was being served and continued to talk while we ate. On a positive note, as she left for a bathroom break (still with the phone permanently plastered to her cheek) I took out a pen and wrote on a napkin "Bitter Bitch, Party for One!" and stiffed her with the bill.

Never take in more bullshit then you know you don't deserve and for a while just stick it out.. my apologies until the sticking out time period has concluded.

9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Casanova,

Hilarious blog, but let me mix in a dose of real advice. Stop the 'I'm gonna try to impress the hell out of this girl on the first date' shit, and just ask her out for coffee and try to get to know her. That's kind of the important thing. And you won't totally bomb out the first date.

Oh, and what's the whole 'expecting people to buy drinks' crap? Learn how to fucking offer / do things for people just because you want to. If you expect something back, then don't fucking do it in the first place. Just disingenuous.

9:47 PM  
Blogger Captain Oats said...

Hey Anon 3:35,
There is a lot in LA, I concur.

Hi Roger,
Thanks man!

Hello Anon 5:55,
Thanks for the comment. Yes, lesson learned. Use the word "date" as many times as possible to insure that intentions are clear.

Who was this guy talking to during your date?

Hi Writermonkey,
Thanks, fortunately, you don't have to see me belligerently yelling when I tell the story in person. It works better in print I think.

Eddie Bauer SUV interior, eh? So, THAT'S what I'm missing! =)

Hey Dom,
A fellow Whitest Kids fan! Awesome!

Hi Anon 7:46,
Cheers my friend!

Hey Vanessa,
Love is a Battlefield. Great jam. Thanks for the comment, appreciate it!

Spandex tapered jeans? Where can one purchase those?

Hi Anon 10:00,
Thanks my friend. Trying is a big step indeed.

Hey Anon 11:10,
I love all the colloquial terms! "Mick," "sod off," "wanker." I don't think I can pull them off though.

Thanks for the comment, and your story is priceless. Out of all things that he could have been doing with the other woman... a lingerie fashion show?? Awesome.

Hey R,
I concur. It's a fun story to tell at the very least.

Hey Schmecca,
So, Monday right? We're all gonna do this again on Monday?

Btw, the little statcounter thing at the bottom of the site also shows who links here. Thus, I saw your Facebook post. I realize Schmecca wasn't the best fake name, but at least it was somewhat anonymous and I wasn't linking directly to your profile. Sure, this post is "at your expense" but no one reading can actually tell who you are.

Hi Andrew,
Ha. Thanks friend.

Hey Shumona,
Awkward indeed. Didn't expect a comment from Schmecca herself. But hey, I live for awkward moments.

Thanks for the comment!

Hi Gary,
Oh, it is. It is very real.

Hi Boom,
Haha, I think the fact that what I chose to do when I came home drunk is immediately sign on to my Blogger account means I'm one of the fold. Solidarity!

Hey Lauren,
Thanks for the kind words. Very sweet of you. Which must mean you are pretty amazing as well.

Hi Anon 9:20,
You cut to the core, Anonymous. I confess... yes, I was hoping for some old fashioned penis-in-vagina.

Hey Anon 9:28,
Thanks for the comment. Bad dates are actually kind of great to look back upon.

Hi Anon 9:31,
You are wise, my friend. And very ballsy. That is actually one of the best bad date stories I've ever heard.

Hi Anon 9:47,
First, who told you my middle name? Second, are you Schmecca's sister?

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Daniel said...

Dude I'm so sorry for how your date worked out...

As a fellow "nice" person I can only advise you not to show the people you meet for the first time how incredible you are...

I invented some kickass theories on why we the "nice" people don't get our fair share of women's attention.

1. Girls at our age started to behave like boys did before. They don't respect gentleman type of guys anymore and just stick with the badboys (damn this word is so stupid)...

2. Girls are used to be treated like trash and can't believe it when they meet a decent person...

3. Guys who are "nice" at first sight become more boring with time if they don't change their behaviour...

But as I tried to be less "nice" and more some kind of a moron I failed with my attempts of dating...

So the only advice I can give you is to stay nice and respectful. Some girl that is worth it will appreciate your behaviour.

As you wait for this girl to come along please write more funny blog entries....

3:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So I was awoken by my Alarm clock radio (as usual) this morning, and just as the radio clicked on, to what ever station I have it set on I hear:
"Do you, Douchbag McGee take this woman to be your wife"
"I do."
To which I instinctively turned my alarm off. So I don't really know much else of to the context, but it left me wondering, how the hell common is a name like Douchbag McGee? I mean really? (I proceeded to google the name, and found a 19 year old's myspace account with apparently the same name)

5:58 AM  
Blogger roeyourboat said...


6:39 AM  
Blogger NYOne said...

Hilarious and painful. The money thing is unacceptable though - I would never expect someone to pay for an entire group's dinner without offering some kind of repayment, even if it's in the form of drinks. Hang in there, Cap'n, there are still some nice girls out there.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Hot Granola County said...

Well, if anything your blog will be extra hella popular with all of this bad date stuff...seriously...maybe we should go out again soon and I'll invite some other National Holiday inventor...National Superhero Day?
Hmmmmm...Yes, I live for awkward moments as well, so I guess we have that in common. Once you told me your blog name I figured you'd write something about the special evening. Cheers.

8:36 AM  
Anonymous Bronwyn said...

That was hilarious. Don't get me wrong, I feel awful that happened, but you write pretty darn well to make a disaster sound like a comedy! The girl was in no way worth it so be happy the bridge is burned. By the sounds of it, she really missed out.

I hope you get the courage to put yourself out there again! Though in my opinion the bar doesn't seem to result in happy ending stories when it comes to relationships. ;)

10:35 AM  
Blogger BlinkTMB said...

Did Douchebag Mcgee go to UVA? Because I remember being a student there when High-Five day was started! Maybe I know this guy??

anyways, sorry for your horrible date :(

11:44 AM  
Blogger Scribe LA said...

Sonny! Schmecca is clearly the perfect description of this girl.

A girl who invites random people on a date is giving a clear sign that she's not comfortable with the date vibe, the idea of you and your shaven balls (tmi, by the way).

Even in LA it's safe to go on a real, two person date. If she was was sketched out, she should have said no or spoken up.

Advice? Next time invite the girl to coffee/drinks before offering a concert/cool date idea, to make sure she's worth the awesomeness of you. It's like in Sleepless in Seattle - you never ask someone to dinner right away. Always drinks/coffee first. Unless the object of affection is Maggie Gyllenhaal (for you) or Jake Gyllenhaal (for me).

Soak in your awesomeness, watch A Walk to Remember one more time, and then relish in the fact that you are worthy of someone who is not, wait for it, a schmuck like Schmecca.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Joseph said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

who the hell uses citysearch? get on yelp for the love of humanity

1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's just hilarious. sorry, sad stories make me laugh. she's an idiot. actually, they all are...

i'd at least get you two drinks.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Travis Erwin said...

Great story. Tragic anf funny, but all is not lost since you are a writer and now can use and twist this into something down the road.

You shoulda went after the sister and tried to capitalize on the sympathy. There is ntohign wrong with a but of pity sex.

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

schmecca is a whore. Everytime i read that name it reminds me of smegma. sounds like they are of equal repulsion.

p.s. she obviously didn't have the opportunity to see your huge man meat or she woulda' been on her knees....worshiping the shrine that is your manhood...

4:27 PM  
Blogger James said...

I propose June 17 to be "National Worst Date Ever Day."

7:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Rolling with the punches is an artform that would really improve your quality of life. People are not mindreaders. If you are being misunderstood and the night is not going as planned you have the option to turn it into a tragedy (see exhibit A - worst date ever) or call it an early night (i.e., I have to feed my fish) and turn it into a hilariously whacked out story for your blog. Not a woman-eating manifesto.

Two FTRs:
1- I did offer to buy you a drink but you probably couldn't hear me over the rage at Mr High Five pounding in your ears
2- Schmecca did try to give you our full share of dinner and YOU refused it out of "the kindness of your heart"

So, drop the poor me masquerade.

7:10 PM  
Blogger flick said...

Hey anonymous 7:10 PM:

Two more FTRs:

1-You have no shame. But congrats on half-heartedly offering someone a drink at when he clearly didn't hear you. Must feel good.

2-You really don't really understand what this is about, do you?

And point-of-clarification, this is not a woman-eating manifesto. Because, well, what the fridge is a "women-eating manifesto"?

7:36 PM  
Blogger The Franchise said...

Dude Sweet dreams are made of these was a hilarious line, well done. Try not to worry about it man and just chalk it up to some good old fashion life experience. I expect to see this exact scenario play out in 3 years on your future TV Show with (fingers crossed) Joshua Jackson playing you.

8:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Poem for Captain Oats


The End.

Remember Team Captain Oats--We got yo' back. Hey, at least after the "Worst Date Ever", your next date will have to be real SchmUCKY to top this one. So watch AWTR 1 more time, change your shirt, and go get 'em!!

Live with it--you were a sucky date. It's done. So why don't YOU move on? (Don't you have another group date with D.McGee, your sister, your grocer's sister-in-law, and your hair dresser?

9:49 PM  
Blogger michelle said...

i love that schmecca keeps coming back to comment.

and i thought I was awkward...

anyhow, i loved the story...more than the usual tunes in fact (and that's saying a lot, since i LIVE for the music on this blog). :D

10:33 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

All I got to say is that the whole thing was so fucking entertaining, party poopers, party poppers, wanna be alcoholics and bad thai food. Shitt, I just drank more rum and kept watching live, you all missed out, I warned you that hanging out with schmecca is truely a sitcom at all times. By the way..don't ask two girls out at the same time, let us buy you water next time& 4 the record, Schmecca you kick ass i love u.

11:03 PM  
Blogger Captain Oats said...

****Wow. I go away for a while and things got a little out of hand. So first things first, let's all take a moment to chillax.

First, I never intended this to become a "let's bash Schmecca" party. I do think she was oblivious of the fact that I liked her (mentioned in post), I do think she's a good person (mentioned in post), and I also do think that Douchebag McGee was charming and fun (noticing a trend? mentioned in post). Thus, I hope the "haters" can see that I wrote this with what I think was a good intention.. to make people chuckle. And not at her "expense" either. I didn't use a last name, I didn't link to her Facebook profile.. I could have... but I didn't. If Schmecca hadn't commented, no one reading would've even known if this was a real story. So, in summary, I find 'awkward' and 'painful' pretty hilarious (why the Office is one of my fav sitcoms), thus I thought I'd share. But hey, part of sharing is creating an open dialogue, including the zingers, so keep 'em coming.

To the "supporters", thank you and I'm glad you guys enjoyed this. I've always wanted to mix more personal stories into the blog, but as you can see, often times that also brings the aforementioned "haters". But totally worth it, hearing your stories too, so I'll be sharing more awkward situations with you all in the future, as I'm sure there will be many, many, MANY more in my lifetime.

OK, now on to the specific replies.****


Thanks for the advice. I do concur, always just be yourself. A lesson I seem to forget everyday, but a good lesson nonetheless.

Anon 5:58,
Douchebag McGee is a very common name. Especially in LA. =)


I do believe there are many nice girls out there, you being one of them!

Checked out you blog. Great storytelling as well! Glad this night inspired a new blog into the blogosphere. And no, I did not shave my balls. That was a joke. I would. But I'm an Asian, so I really don't have enough hair down there to require such activities. TMI? Well, you did ask. I suppose a simple 'no' would have sufficed, but that's no fun.

Thanks! That was definitely the intention, so I'm glad it worked. And yeah, I actually don't think I know a single couple that's stayed together after having met in a bar... interesting.

I think he went to UVA? I know the main guy that invented the holiday, Connor, went there.

Enjoyed the schmuck wordplay there! Thanks for the comment, and I love "Sleepless in Seattle"-- I mean... I love "Die Hard"!

Thanks for introducing me to yelp. I must say, interesting issue to point out from the above though.

Anon 1:29,
Thanks for the faux-drinks my friend!

Travis Erwin,
Great name. And you know, my friend James said the same thing about the sister angle. And I am definitely not above pity sex, so preach on brother.

Anon 4:29,
Smegma might be one of the worst words ever created.

You are a genius.

Schmecca's Sister or Schmachel,
Um, I'm not sure why you thought the above was a women-eating manifesto. I don't think I ever addressed all women in the post. I actually love women. I love them a lot. I wish I could love every woman that walks by me most days.

As stated earlier, my intention with this post was to do similar things as you just suggested. In fact, I think I did EXACTLY what you suggested. I called it an early night (thus, the "emergency" excuse), and I came home and wrote a hilariously whacked out story for my blog (thus, the post)... or at least that's what most people seem to think in the comments.

In terms of all the name-calling in the comments, I really did not take part in any of that. And now that I've seen that it's gotten out of hand, I have in turn posted a "lets all chillax" plea.

So.... yeah. That's all I got. You should drop the "I'm retarded" masquerade.

I think "women-eating manifesto" is actually the name of Eli Roth's next movie? I don't know. How's NY my newly married friend?

The Franchise,
Haha, I do love "Dawson's Creek." Although, as much as I love Joshua Jackson, I don't know if he can pull off scrawny and... Korean. =) Glad you liked the "sweet dreams" line!

Anon 9:49,
I love receiving poems! I also love wordplay. Well done with "schmucky"! I believe if I watch AWTR one more time, my count will be at 67.

Thanks for the comment! I will also be returning with some tunes soon as well. I've been slacking in that department...

I did not notice you on the date. Is this Schmachel? I agree, the thai food was not very good.

11:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

she sounds hot.

picture please.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Hot Granola County said...

...Nah, I don't feel like getting a life. That sounds like a lot of work. This is far better than actual work. Ok, seriously, thanks for clarifying the whole ball shaving thing. I don't feel bashed in the least. In fact, I think the whole thing is just humorous. I think we all have chillaxed. Now it's just good times, faux drinks, high fives and old-fashioned roasting. Peace.

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...that's the funniest bad date story I've ever heard. Too bad you're on the other side of the country. I would've liked a concert date.

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Erika said...

I think you're awesome through and through and since I'm probably going to be you four years or so, the awesomeness is tenfold. To Schmecca and company, move on people...your bitching is just annoying and's not even doing anything in your favor. Just putting you off in a bad light. C'mon, you girls have got to have more respect for yourselves than that. Just move on.

9:11 PM  
Anonymous Jonathan said...

10 years ago

Me: Hi, would you like to go out for a coffee?
Really Hot looking Girl: That would be great!


Me thinking: uh oh...

Really Hot Lookng Girl: and maybe [5 aquaintances in common] can come along too!

Me thinking: She would rather die a horrible death than go out with me alone (balls shrink to the size of two (hairy) peas)

Me: That would be great!

10 Years Later

Got married to really hot looking girl, have two kids (despite small balls) and life isn't too bad considering.

Moral of True Story

You just never know what's around the corner, (although I think marriage with Shmecca is unlikely in all future realities). Hang in there Sonny and remeber, its better to get f*cked standing up than on your knees.

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sonny, you're great. Great story. Schmecca needs to get a sense of humor. Your story was nothing was sweet about her-- saying how beautiful she was, how sweet she was, how clueless she was to the whole scenario... in the end, you made too many excuses for her!

6:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I could greenlight a comedy for you. For now, Mothman will have to do.

Not only was this a hilarious tale (as was your writing partner's), it nearly made me tear up. Who said there's no crying in the TV biz? Been there. I'm feeling for you.

Next time I see you I'm buying you dinner and drinks for this story alone.


11:59 AM  
Blogger flick said...

Wait a minute. Wait just one minute!

Hot GRANOLA!? Captain OATS!?

Granola? Oats? Oats being the main ingredient IN granola?

What's going on here? This can't be a coincidence!

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Schmecca - a guy you meet in a bar NEVER has "just a friend thing" in mind. Dork.


8:27 AM  
Blogger sam said...

I Know the inventors of National High Five Day!!!!!
My friend here in NYC is one of the original dudes and his friends live in cali (one of whom is SCHmichard)
that's too funny.

why is this such a very small world?

3:20 PM  
Blogger sam said...

i should also say my "worst date" is not really a date, but kind of related to this. i "dated" a guy for a month without knowing if we were ever dating or not. we would go out for dinner or movies but he never once kissed me, so i eventually figured "i guess we're just hanging out"- until one day he sends me an email saying "i don't think i'm ready to keep dating"...and i was like, "huh, i guess we WERE dating. that answers that question."

7:11 AM  
Anonymous Krissi D said...

My take (for what it's worth):

Schmecca was rude -- period. When you asked her out, she should have said, I'd love to but my sister's in town for the weekend. Can we make it another time?" This gives you the option to say, "Okay" or "Well, she's invited, too."

Next, while driving along, she should have been talking to you and her sister, not calling people. Where the hell is her head, and did anyone teach her manners?

I think that I probably would have cut the whole "date" short when she told you she invited her friend(s).

Anyhow, I'm sorry you had the date from hell. She might have been gorgeous on the outside, but she certainly wasn't very classy. And honestly, I'll take class and kindness before beauty any day of the week.

8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey schmonny, this is you schmister. instead of taking random schmeople to dinner, please pay me back. schmanks!

much schmlove,

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice try mate. doesn't sound believable to me. how can you claim to be "very drunk as i write this" and yet remember every single detail of the you're a "baby writer", then consider me a "baby critic"...your story is just not believable... i fail to believe anyone would be as eloquent and grammatically correct under the influence of alcohol. next time, throw in a few f-bombs, some spelling mistakes and maybe, just maybe i'll believe your story. either that, or let people know what your definition of "very drunk" is because frankly, your kind of boring when you're very drunk. if it were true, i don't find it surprising that she wanted to invite her sister and her friend to tag along.......

3:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, this post takes me high school.

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Schmerica said...

^ Wow, people seem to REALLY like spinning "leave a comment" into "write completely random shit that may or may not make you sound mean."

Whatevs. Sonny, this post was hilarious, witty, and unfortunate (all good things - to read). Definitely not the kind of mess that anyone so awesome should ever get caught in. It just seemed like an unfortunate situation that snowballed into a hell of a... um.. snowball. But hey, this is the kind of stuff that'll make you even stronger as a writer.

As for bad date stories, here's the only thing that's happened to me lately that can make you laugh even a little:
I had spent the morning shopping and was on my way to class when all of a sudden I saw this insanely hot guy waiting for the metro near me. I kind of furtively stare at him as he walks past, when he suddenly (and I don't know how or why this happened) says hi to me. Me!! We get to talking and I find out he's from Cali, and he's a musician. He gives me a sticker with his band's logo on it, and he makes them sound pretty cool, and he doesn't run away screaming when I accidentally admit that I have a soft spot for 90's pop. We have this insanely great conversation, and I stay on the bus two stops longer than I should have just so that I can walk with him to work, and then he gives me a hug and asks for my number. (I actually gave it to him, which I never ever do.) So I gush about him to ALL my friends... but wind up missing his phone call two days later because I was watching TV. I was too shy to call back (because that's how I roll) but the next day I decide to break my personal no-Myspace policy and check out his band's page.
The band's bio is crazy long and I didn't feel like perusing, so I just skimmed it.
And guess what I read?
"Schmeven is currently living in Montreal with his wife, WifesName."

I wish I was kidding.

2:24 PM  
Anonymous kiranberry said...

self-deprecating all the way to the bank...just you wait.

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that is the funniest drunken blog post i have ever read.

what band did you see at spaceland by the way?

3:33 AM  
Blogger Michael Hutton said...

Hey Sonny,

From London, fantastic fucking story man. Had me on every word.

At least you've got something to tell your Grandchildren....assuming you find someone that isn't going to run off with "Mr. Beer Pong"

Best of luck,


4:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Cap'n -

Just wanted to let you know that I was having an absolutely shiteaous morning, and reading this story gave me a much-needed laugh. I'm glad Douchebag had the sense to make amends, even if Schmecca is still being a trite twat.

7:50 AM  
Blogger ProgGrrl said...


Man, this is funny.

Date sucked - but now I want to see the TV show you write for. Someday. ;-)

(Just found you via PopCandy)

11:09 AM  
Blogger Carli said...

I had to laugh at your 8th grade "End of the Road" part of this story. Same sort of thing happened to me: same grade, same song. I was dancing with the guy I had liked for two years (finally) and one of my best friends cut in and made it a threesome. Not cool!

4:37 PM  
Blogger CatWoman said...

My blog has a tribute to all bad dates of Meeeeeeeeeeeow.
Love your post.

7:25 PM  
Anonymous Emi said...

Oh Sonny, I feel for you but I know you'll write many more drunken stories to keep me entertained for years to come so all is well with the world. Schmecca, just let it go. No one is making fun of you and you keep coming back to post is just making things worse.

My fail relationship story reads like a horror flick. The condense version is that I went out with a guy on and off for ~5 months, wasn't even sure we were going out for the first 2, broke up about 3 times although I'm not sure how we got back together in the first place, never went to his place until 4 months into the relationship around Christmas and New Years, then I went on vacation with my mom and broke up with him 2000 miles away on a very expensive long distance cell phone call. It turns out he lied about everything i.e. he didn't want to invite me up to his place because a couple was moving in with him when in reality his was living with his ex-maybe-not-ex the whole time. I gather he only invited me up during Christmas and New Years because the ex-maybe-not-ex had gone away to visit family at that time. He claims she moved out last year and left some stuff there hence some books and craps in the apartment. I should have known.

I guess it's better to have one bad date than a bad relationship. Here's hoping a nice guy like you will find an equally nice girl who will appreciate you for what you are. *High five*

8:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm in love with you.

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I have read full post of your and its really very touched.

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