Thursday, February 14, 2008

6 Best & Worst Songs I've Made Out To (With Real Live Women) (Not Involving A Nightstand Donation)

Hello friends, hope it's not too late to say Happy Valentine's.

Last year, I posted a VD Is For Lovers/VD Is For Leavers mix. This year, I present to you my top six best and worst songs that have unintentionally soundtracked a sexual experience in my lifetime. Not a lot of sexual experiences here, so we're pickin' from a small pool, folks.

Now, before you look at the list and shout "Why isn't Marvin Gaye on here? You suck!" Or "I can't believe you left off Ace of Base!" First, take a deep breath and calm the eff down. Then re-read the subject line and remember this isn't a list of all-time greatest make-out songs. That would take way too long to compile, and I am very, very lazy.

So, that being said... click the “continue reading” link below for the list.

THE SIX BEST

Now, these aren't songs that played from a "set the mood" mix I purposefully turned on to seduce past ladies (all three of you). While I have done that often, and without much success, these six are serendipitous songs.

Tracks that, by the grace of God, happened to turn on when I pressed play before hurrying to the almost unconscious girl lying in my magic factory (my bed). Songs where, as soon as I heard the first note, I immediately thought in my head, the small one, "oh hells yes," and I became a sexual ninja. For a good three to four minutes.

If any of these six songs come up while you're getting hot and heavy, make sure to “suit up the soldier” because this is baby-making music. As made evident by my six, healthy children.

6) "This Modern Love" – Bloc Party
[buy album] [myspace] [more tracks]
A great build-up musically. Lyrically, it urges the other to “eat up my sadness” (my wee-wee and sadness are pretty much synonymous) and then it adds, “jump on, enjoy, and gorge away.” Bloc Party, thanks for helping me throw a party in my pants.

5) "6 Underground" – Sneaker Pimps
[buy album] [more tracks]
Liam Howe said in an interview that this song is about "not being able to creatively express yourself in a very small town...being restricted to the point of being buried." Hot. Regardless, I think everyone’s made out to this song at some point?

4) "I Want Someone Badly" – Jeff Buckley
[buy album] [myspace] [more tracks]
This track makes even pleasuring yourself a spiritual, transcendent experience. It’s why I look forward to Friday nights. And Saturday nights. And most Sunday mornings. So, when a lonely lady was added to the mix… well, sweet sassy molassy!

3) "Everlong" - Foo Fighters
[buy album] [myspace] [more tracks]
This song seems to be a fav "make out song" for many. But it gets a bit tricky when coupled with fornication. You see, I'm already focusing all my energies on lasting as long as I possibly can, but now Dave Grohl's got her thinking, "You've got to promise not to stop when I say when." Which, quite frankly, is NOT a promise I'll be able to keep. I'll have stopped long, long, everlong before she says when. However, if the song kick starts during foreplay, as was the case in my experience, then you should be okay. By the time you get to the main event, she'll have realized your lack of sexual prowess, and her expectations will have lowered back to manageable standards. As was the case in my experience.

2) "Only In Dreams" - Weezer
[buy album] [myspace] [more tracks]
I think for most people my age, hearing anything off The Blue Album takes you back to a much more innocent, carefree time. When everything was new and exciting. Every kiss cherished, every dry-hump a blessing. So hearing this twelve years after its release while under the covers with a lady of similar age, sweaters were definitely undone.

1) "Lovesong" - The Cure
[buy album] [myspace] [more tracks]
Amazing song, one of their best, but this could’ve been bad. I've found that Cure songs usually remind most girls of an ex. At least it did with this one girl. A couple tears were shed, not by me you smartass, and I thought the opportunity was lost. But nay, I underestimated the poon-power of Robert Smith. After a few "whenever I'm alone with you"s, things were back in business in a big way. Sure, she probably wasn't thinking of me every time Smith sang "I will always love you," but hey, whatever it takes. Regret, revenge, guilt: all friends of Sonny Lee.

P.S. I am still with this girl.
P.P.S. I am a horrible person.


THE SIX WORST

These are six songs that have jumped out of the iTunes like a thief in the night, plunging a knife deep into my loins and robbing me of my dreams, aka my hands on her boobies. Tunes where, upon hearing the first note, I immediately leapt out of bed and lunged for the stop button, but not before said booby-owner figured out the title and decided to not only never make out with me again, but never speak to or look at me as well. I won't be posting these songs because a) I deleted them and b) I don't want to pass on the aural herpes (thank you).

6) "Liquid Dreams" - O-Town
You would think a song called "Liquid Dreams" by a group named O-Town would help you in your sexual endeavors. Nope.

5) "Rock Me Amadeus" - Falco (collegiate a cappella version)
Unless your name's Amadeus, you really don't want this song to play in the presence of a female. And even if your name is Amadeus, like my future son, then you still don't want the collegiate a cappella version to play.

4) "Rainbow Connection" - Kermit The Frog
Go to your iTunes library right now and delete any song sung by a puppet. I don't care how sexy you find the "Mah Nah Mah Nah" song, just trust me and delete damn it!

3) "Bitches Ain't Shit" - Ben Folds (Dr. Dre cover)
Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks, so lick on these nuts and suck the dick.
Not quite Shakespeare. I'm pretty sure misogyny is not one of your lady's turn-ons, it certainly wasn't in my experience. But if it is, well, she's a keeper!

2) "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" - Simba, Zazu and Nala (Lion King soundtrack)
Studies show that Disney soundtracks are the number one cause of erectile dysfunction in America. I can confirm.

1) "Invisible" - Clay Aiken
Sigh. This list was a big mistake.

So... what are some of your most and least memorable make-out songs? Leave a comment!

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is my 2nd favorite post after the worst date ever.

Make-out favorites of mine --
Closer - NIN
Destiny - Zero 7
Fade into you - Mazzy Star

Worst --
Don't Cry For Me, Argentina - Madonna

Oh memories.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Sweaters were definitely undone"? You should have said "sweaters were definitely destroyed"!

Now before any of you go thinking that I am the girl, I'm not. It's because of the Weezer lyrics that I say this.

4:00 AM  
Blogger NYOne said...

I most certainly will not delete any song by a puppet - that would include "You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Making Love)" and other gems from the Avenue Q soundtrack. Not gonna happen.
I love this post. I'm struggling to come up with contributions but drawing a blank. So I present my favorite best/worst make-out (actually first kiss) songs from Coupling:
Best (ideal): Aria from Madame Butterfly
Worst (actual): theme from Spiderman.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Jesse said...

The all time worst "accidentally came one while things were getting hot" song was with a girl who had downloaded my mp3's off myspace. I've got a big ego, but it's impossible stay "resolute" when you hear your own voice singing to you and your partner. Not hot.

8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cap'n,
I seem to remeber all of these songs- but maybe that's because you gave me your computer with all of it's awesome and *not*so awesome music.
Best song: I've been thinking by Handsome Boy Modeling School feat. Cat Power.
Worst song: def. Rainbow Connection.
Right On! -M

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay I just have to say that if Bitches Ain't Shit came on while I was getting it on with a boy... I would love it. It's a kick ass cover! And also... I love disney soundtracks :)

9:06 PM  
Blogger Antonia said...

Best: The Sea and Cake have a really awesome cover of Bowie's "Sound and Vision." Also, "Across the Universe" is a terrible movie to watch, but great to make out to.

Worst: Oh god. Anything from a broadway soundtrack is usually a mistake. "He Is Not Dead Yet" from Spamalot - everything else was pretty much dead after that gem started playing...

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Stuart said...

My friend (NOT ME) downloaded the audio version of ruthless dating manual "The Game" and put it on his iPod. Guess when his shuffle function decided to play it...

4:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best: Stroker Ace by Lovage

Worst: I tend to stand over my computer and wait til the mood is dead and I have found the perfect song to have someone turn me down to

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Kate L. said...

"This Modern Love" gets bonus points for being the soundtrack to the great Ted And Robin Make Out All Wet scene.

...and loses bonus points for also being the soundtrack to Sad Marshall Sits Alone In The Rain.

Hm. This clearly needs more research...

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Play N Skillz - Get Freaky

Me and and old high school friend were on this one girl's bed with her and one of her other friends. right away, I decided to switch from the one I was going after to the other one, who was kinda hotter. My friend and the other girl fell on the floor to do their thing while I started to do things with the one girl I had my eyes on.

In the meantime, the other girl got up at one point in the pitch dark to turn on the radio, and this is the one song I remember from that hour or so of fun.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Captain Oats said...

Hi Anon 11:12,
Great favorites. Is it weird that "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" turns me on?

Hey Anon 4:00,
Clearly, you are NOT the girl because if you were, you'd know that making out with me is a fairly uneventful, passionless experience. So things are undone, not destroyed. =)

Hi NYOne,
Way to take a stand for puppets. Someone has to!

Hey Jesse,
Let's be honest here, hearing your own voice, pretty hot.

Hi M,
Ah, I do remember "I've Been Thinking".. that shoulda made the list. Thank you for helping with that memory.

Hi Anon 9:06,
Um, can I take you out to dinner?

Hello Antonia,
Agreed on "Across the Universe." Seems like a lot of us have been hurt by musical numbers..

Hey Stuart,
"My friend"? C'mon now.. (a great dating manual though btw).

Hi Anon 6:34,
You and I share something in common.

Hello Kate L,
That make out scene was very "Rachel and Ross."

Hey Anon 2:31,
Are you Bret Michaels?

11:06 PM  
Blogger An Egg of Knowledge... said...

In my opinion, the best song I've ever made out to was Barry Manilow's "Mandy". Seriously.

Current favorite song to make out to is Brand New's "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't". It's something about the growing energy in this from this normally quiet emo song really just gets to me.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I realize this is way belated now, but after reading, I just couldn't help but comment - I think everyone has something to say in this category.

Best:
Genie In a Bottle, Christina Aguilera - oh the wonders of summer TRL when you're a teenager...
King of America album, Elvis Costello
Fear album (particularly I Will Not Take These Things For Granted - not for hot'n'heavy but good for general romantic-y making out) - Toad the Wet Sprocket
High & Dry and Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead
Colorblind, Counting Crows - I'm a sucker for the piano what can I say
All I Want, U2 - It wouldn't be nice to leave that one off the list.

Worst:
Satisfy You, Puff Daddy - only made worse by the fact that it was on Repeat, and Casanova fell asleep before I did, and I didn't know how to turn it off. Not nearly as sexy on repeat #425.
All The Small Things, Blink 182. Impossible not to take the air out of any guy's tires if this comes on.
Flavor of the Week, American HiFi. Not what you wanna be thinkin bout.

Good question! What a conversation starter!

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This Modern Love" gets bonus points for being the soundtrack to the great Ted And Robin Make Out All Wet scene.

...and loses bonus points for also being the soundtrack to Sad Marshall Sits Alone In The Rain.

Hm. This clearly needs more research...
Pulsione erotica

4:51 PM  

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